


where's my mind?

by WhyDontWeBegin



Series: Born of Light, Bathed in Shadow [2]
Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: (or very appropriate depending on your view), Bisexual Character, Blow Jobs, Dirty Talk, Dom/sub Play, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Falling In Love, Feelings, Fluff and Smut, How Do I Tag, Insecurity, Praise Kink, Safe Sane and Consensual, Touch-Starved, Trust Kink, Viera Warrior of Light (Final Fantasy XIV), a lot of relationship intricacies, in the "ive only been touched to be harmed for a Very Long Time" kind of way, inappropriate use of magic, its slight but it is THERE, no beta we just die, x'rhun loves her very very much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:40:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24712483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhyDontWeBegin/pseuds/WhyDontWeBegin
Summary: X'rhun needs to know if Emlyn is going to run again.
Relationships: X'rhun Tia/Warrior of Light
Series: Born of Light, Bathed in Shadow [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1576069
Comments: 12
Kudos: 25





	where's my mind?

**Author's Note:**

> HELLO  
> I have slowly written this over A Long Period Of Time™️ and here we are now,
> 
> title is from bellyache by Billie Eilish
> 
> enjoy my porn I guess?

X’rhun glanced to the woman sitting to his left, his tail curling as he leaned against the counter. Emlyn had a distant look on her face—she wasn’t quite present, X’rhun could tell. Dwelling on something again, no doubt—he’d learned, over time, that she had certain days where she was just… lost in her own thoughts. And X’rhun knew very well that letting her dwell, letting her wander her mind alone, was a very, very bad idea. She was far kinder than she initially let on, he’d known that from the start.

(He knew a lot about her, these days, but at the same time still so little.)

( _How long will it take before he figures us out, Emlyn?_

Fuck off.

_It’s just a thought. How long, do you think, before he does? Before he starts asking questions? You know as well as I he has them._

I said _fuck off_ , damnit.

_What, a girl’s not allowed to—_ )

“Emlyn?” X’rhun’s voice cut through the mental debate, silencing both parties as Emlyn’s attention was directed to the Miqo’te. “You’re doing it again.”

“… Ah. Sorry,” Emlyn murmured, looking back at the counter and attempting to determine what kind of wood it was just to—get her mind off of things. Not that she expected it to work for long. Bitter frustration, regret, guilt, and self-loathing were already welling back up.

_“You… what are you?! What have you done?!”_

This wound was fresh. That fear was—there, present, it had only been _bells_ ago—

_“Monster!”_

And Emlyn could never, _never_ forget. She didn’t want to. (But she did, because it would be so much easier. But her life, her path, was lined with thorns. It would never be an easy road.)

A hand landed on one of her shoulders and she almost jumped out of her skin, nearly made to attack, but she saw red out of the corner of her eye. Emlyn closed her eyes and took a deep breath, two, in an attempt to calm herself. Her nerves were shot, she realized.

X’rhun realized it, too, the moment she reacted so violently to his touch. Rare was it that she did so, usually at ease with him—to an extent. Enough that she didn’t react like that. Emlyn was still tense under his hand and X’rhun frowned, putting his other hand over one of hers. She looked up at him in confusion. “Come. We ought to go.”

“X’rhun—“

“No, Emlyn. We are _leaving_ ,” he said, voice firm, giving her little room to refuse. Emlyn made no further attempt at protest and stood while X’rhun took her by the hand, intertwining their fingers, and lead her away from the bar and to the inn. She knew he acted out of concern, and her heart ached at the thought.

Once they were in less populated surrounds, he rounded on her. She recoiled, taking a step back and X’rhun let her. He knew full well she disliked being cornered. “Look at me,” he said, voice low, and she obeyed. He lifted a hand to her cheek, noted how her fingers twitched. But she didn’t try to run as he carefully cupped her cheek in his hand, though he could tell that a part of her wanted to. “Emlyn, are you going to run from me again?”

A pause before she shook her head. He closed his eyes. “Is that because you want a distraction or because you desire my help?”

X’rhun waited for a reply, expectant, and reigned in his impatience when she said nothing. Took a deep breath and looked at her again, noting how she avoided his gaze. “Emlyn.”

“… Both,” she finally admitted, voice quiet and _weak_ in a way X’rhun doubted anyone else had heard. His heart skipped a beat—for what reason, exactly, he wasn’t sure. He pressed his thumb to her lips as she finally leaned into his hand, considering.

“… Very well.”

—

X’rhun’s arms were crossed over his chest as he looked down at the woman before him, avoiding his gaze again and sitting on the floor where he was on the edge of the bed. They’d both shed several articles of clothing already, X’rhun now lacking his coat, hat, gloves, and boots. Emlyn, for her part, was down to her undershirt and pants.

When she looked up at him, the intensity of his gaze made her shiver. His tail slowly thumped against the bed repeatedly, ears flicking on occasion. Emlyn swallowed thickly—X’rhun would not be denied, not today. It was almost intimidating, the cold expression he wore.

“Emlyn,” he began, and his voice was low, rumbling, yet lacking much of the warmth she had grown used to, “do you know what this is?”

“… You’re upset.”

“Disappointed,” X’rhun corrected. “Because you know I am here to help, yet you still never say a word.” He uncrossed his arms, leaned down and tilted her chin up. He knew full well that Emlyn largely just didn’t know how to _ask_ , but that, in and of itself, could be helped. For now, however, he would merely aim to get her to relax. “I _do_ want to help you, Emlyn, but you have to let me. You said you want my help. I expect you to obey. Do I make myself clear?”

X’rhun saw the way she swallowed before nodding. His expression melted into something concerned as he leaned forward, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “This is alright?”

“More than,” she whispered hoarsely. He didn’t know why she was so—desperate, almost, to relinquish control to him, but she was. X’rhun could live with that. Emlyn was in far more precarious a state than she wanted to admit, on the assumption she’d even realized. And X’rhun was… hopelessly in love with her, it seemed, damaged as he knew she was. (Just another reason for him to do what he could for her, to give her what she needed. And that, it seemed, was to let him take over. He could do that.)

Emlyn followed him as he withdrew, settling between his legs and resting her head against one of his thighs, looking up at him. X’rhun inhaled sharply, seeing how she peered up at him through her lashes, lips parted a fraction. There was a trust in this, he knew. When everything had started, she’d never left herself so open and vulnerable with him. Never.

She knew X’rhun realized how difficult it was for her to trust. Emlyn closed her eyes, and a few moments later there was a hand petting her, steady and careful. Gentle. More gentle than she deserved, surely, but that was—part of what attracted her to him, she supposed. No matter what he’d seen of her, he was always like this. Gentle. Caring. It was addictive in it’s own way.

“X’rhun,” she mumbled, frowning when his hand stilled.

“Emlyn, please. You know there is no need for that here,” he reminded, voice soft. Emlyn pressed a kiss against his thigh, fabric be damned, before moving forward and pressing her face against his torso, arms wrapping loosely around his back.

“Rhun,” Emlyn corrected herself, muffled by the his shirt. Even now, after moons of hearing her say it, there was still something that sent a thrill through him. A thrill, and some measure of contentment. His lover was nothing if not well-traveled, X’rhun knew that much, and he wouldn’t be surprised if she knew full well the significance of dropping the prefix. Of just calling him by name, his name, no pretenses or titles or anything of the like. Not X’rhun Tia, the wandering Crimson Duelist, but Rhun, the man underneath. Not unlike how when he spoke to her, he spoke not to the Warrior of Light, but to the woman behind the title, to Emlyn herself.

Gods, he was thinking too much, wasn’t he?

“Are you going to be good for me, Emlyn?” X’rhun asked, voice low and filled with heat. It went straight to Emlyn’s core to hear and she nodded, shivering as his hand slipped under her shirt, resting on her back. “Good girl. I’ll take care of you, I promise. Just behave for me, alright?”

“Yes, Rhun,” Emlyn said, perhaps a little too happy to agree. But they both knew he wouldn’t do anything without knowing it was alright. X’rhun withdrew entirely, leaning back on his hands, and she looked up at him, meeting his eyes. Immediately, the _want_ on his face was clear, making her breath hitch.

“Mmhm, good,” X’rhun _purred_ , and he knew _damn well_ the kind of effect that had on the Viera. A small smirk tugged at his lips as her eyes dilated, skin turning darker with the flush on her cheeks. “Come here, Emlyn.”

She stood, almost timid, and he gently pulled her into his lap, smirking up at her. Emlyn swallowed thickly when she realized she could feel his growing erection against her thigh. “Rhun—“

X’rhun pressed a finger to her lips. “Hush,” he commanded. She obeyed without question and he leaned forward, resting his head on her chest and watching the flush on her face grow darker. When it flustered Emlyn so, it was worth it, though he could hear her rapid heartbeat. After a moment, he pressed a second finger to her lips, and she got the message well enough. X’rhun made a quiet noise as she dutifully took his fingers into her mouth and sucked them like a very _different_ something. (X’rhun knew full well her skill and his cock twitched at the thought alone, leaving him to shudder at the unspoken promises in her eyes.)

Emlyn felt his ear flick, brushing against her skin, before he moved and his lips trailed over her collarbone. There was a wicked grin on his face, she could feel it against her skin. “Such a good girl. Beautiful,” he murmured, pressing a kiss to a small scar and pulling his hand away from her mouth. Emlyn shivered under his attentions as his hand landed on her thigh, squeezing it. (She knew he could tear her clothes off, and just knowing left her trembling under his touch.) “I want to hear you, Emlyn.”

Emlyn opened her mouth, a question dying on her lips as he abruptly bit down on her skin with the intent of leaving a mark. All that escaped her was a gasp, her hands fisting his shirt. He released her, licking and nuzzling the indent left behind. She knew X’rhun was being careful, that he could break her skin with his fangs if he wasn’t. (But _gods_ , she wouldn’t mind. In fact, the thought sent heat rushing through her.) His lips trailed to her shoulder, and there was no warning save for a pause before he did it again.

X’rhun pressed a kiss to her skin. He knew it would bruise, but that was very much the intent. He knew she loved being marked like this. Knew Emlyn never tried to hide them—and he couldn’t find it in himself to mind. If anything, he _relished_ in the fact that she so readily went around with it plain that she belonged to someone.

“Rhun,” she mumbled, and he hummed inquisitively. “M...may I?...”

X’rhun leaned back, both hands sliding to rest on her knees, and smiled. “You may.”

Emlyn’s hands started to slowly undo the buttons of his shirt, careful and precise. Her hands were trembling, just a bit, and X’rhun’s ears flicked as he lazily rolled his hips with a quiet groan, relishing in how she faltered for a moment. Emlyn was not particularly easy to fluster most of the time, and the hitch in her breath sent satisfaction through him. To know it was _he_ who was garnering these reactions...

Emlyn’s hands rested over his abs, his shirt unbuttoned and hanging open. He could see the nerves in her eyes, a lingering tension in her form, and a part of X’rhun was nearly offended. He reigned it in, leaning forward a fraction, reaching up to pull her down. His nose brushed against hers, her breath warm on his lips as he spoke. “You remember what to do if it’s too much?”

Emlyn nodded, made a noise of confirmation to go along with it, and X’rhun searched her eyes for a moment (uncertainty, apprehension, _want_ , need—) before pulling her into a demanding kiss. There was a brief fight for dominance before she reigned herself in, letting him take over. Letting him have his way. They both knew that if she didn’t _want_ X’rhun to have any power, he wouldn’t. It was that simple.

Emlyn whined quietly as X’rhun pulled back, releasing her long enough to remove his shirt and absently toss it off to the side (something she knew he’d curse his lack of foresight over later) before pulling her close again. His hands slipped under her top, warm against her skin, and he rolled his hips. Her breath caught in her throat as he spoke. “The things I would like to do to you, Emlyn. Make you _scream_ my name...”

X’rhun’s lips wandered over her skin, leaving a burning trail in their wake. “Keep you here for at least a sennight, mayhap... ensure you were unable to walk straight for a fortnight,” he hummed, the heated look he gave her sending a shiver down her spine and the unforgiving _need_ for him to give her something, _anything_ more than his words became almost distracting. The graze of his teeth over her chest before he came to the fabric of her shirt dragged her back. “Make you beg for my cock, see how many times I could make you come undone with teeth and tongue.”

_Gods_ , Emlyn wanted that. She wanted to hide away from the world, to let him have his fun. To have some of her own, dominate him and leave him crying from overstimulation and then wipe away his tears. “Perhaps I could bring you to the edge over and over but never let you have release, not until you are begging and pleading and crying,” he murmured. It sounded—pleasant in a way she hadn’t expected. That was something she wanted to do to _him_ , but the idea of being on the receiving end was just as tempting.

X’rhun shifted, hissing a little at the friction against his cock even through his clothes, and pulled Emlyn’s tank top from her body to toss it aside in one smooth, practiced movement. He felt the way she shifted, knew she was more uncertain about her body than she let on. Particularly when she was close with someone, it seemed. So he hunched over, ignoring his own discomfort, and kissed one particularly painful-looking scar. Emlyn’s breath caught in her throat again. “Perfect,” he murmured. “Absolutely perfect.”

Emlyn felt her face _burn_ under his praise. She was not nearly so beautiful, yet still, he insisted she _was_. “I’m not...”

“You _are_ ,” he countered, voice firm as he leaned back, hands finding her wrists to pull her hands to him. “You are _incredible_ and you are _beautiful_ , Emlyn. I’ll not be convinced otherwise.”

X’rhun pressed his lips against her knuckles, felt the way her hands trembled in his own. There was doubt on her face, of her worth and the truth of his words, some measure of fear hidden therein. But he would not leave her, he would not reject her. This, X’rhun knew to be fact. He loved her. It was that simple, even if she wasn’t ready to hear him say so yet.

Emlyn’s thoughts were racing, he knew, and so X’rhun pulled her into a kiss. This time it was tender, something far softer than the last, and a far cry from the demanding attitude of the others. Sweet and short, lasting for but a moment before he pressed a kiss to her temple. He did not need to look to know there were tears in her eyes. (But as promised, she didn’t run. Not this time.)

“Now, then,” X’rhun hummed, letting himself fall back into his own desire, his own burning need. (A need for her, for Emlyn, for her to be _his_ and _his alone—_ ) His thumb pressed to her lips as he leaned back again and she whined, bringing the smallest of smirks to his lips. “I am going to make you _sing_ for me, Emlyn. But first, you must _earn_ it.”

  
His voice was low and husky, sending shivers down Emlyn’s spine as he pushed her back with just his hand on her chin, his thumb against her lips, down to the floor and between his legs. The small smirk that tugged at his lips went straight to her core, and the smoldering _intensity_ of those blue eyes left her _weak_ to his will. He looked down the bridge of his nose at her with a hum. “Well. Go on, then. Do as you’re told.”

As she moved forward his hand retreated and Emlyn missed it. She missed the warmth and the feel against her skin. His tail idly thumped against the bed as he waited, steady and patient.

He very nearly hissed when she nuzzled his cock through his pants. X’rhun had been content, for the moment, to remain as he was. But now?

Now he very _desperately_ wanted to get on with it. And to get the hell out of his pants.

Emlyn did not seem as keen to oblige so quickly, he realized. He narrowed his eyes and reigned in his sudden desire to kiss her, reaching down and tilting her head up with a finger under her chin. “Is something the matter, pet?”

He saw the way her eyes fluttered. Heard the hitch of her breath and he knew she liked that. Knew she liked the way he said it, knew she liked the implication that he owned her. Not because she wanted to be owned, but because it meant someone _wanted_ to have her. Emlyn shook her head and parted her lips to speak, but X’rhun shushed her. “If there is nothing wrong, then I believe you have a job to do, _pet_ ,” and he drew it out, this time, putting an emphasis on the word that wasn’t there before. Emlyn _whimpered_ and he leaned forward, looking into her wide, yellow eyes.

_“Worship me.”_

Emlyn bit back a moan at the words. She _wanted_ to. She wanted to worship him the way he deserved. She was not a religious woman but in this moment it felt like he was her god and she the sinner on her knees, begging for forgiveness, and it filled her with a _contentment_ she did not anticipate. The hard look in his eyes as he leaned back did nothing to change one thing.

Emlyn felt _safe_ here. She knew that he would not take more than she would give and it was _that_ which made it easy to submit to him. To bend to his will as she did now, nuzzling his cock through his pants before pulling them down, relishing in the hum he gave. The sigh as she freed his cock from the confines of his smallclothes. Her mouth watered a little and she swallowed. It stood proud before her, the head flushed and a bead of precum shining on the tip.

Without fail, he was her weakness. His hand landed on her head, slid into her hair and his fingers tangled in the strands as she ghosted around his cock before taking the tip into her mouth and _sucking_. X’rhun hissed through his teeth and tugged and Emlyn couldn’t stop the whine that escaped her before she took more of him into her mouth. She relished in the groan he made, in the way he hunched over her form.

X’rhun was struggling to think. The impulse to shove her down and let her choke on his length was sudden and it took all his self-control to restrain himself, even if she enjoyed it and was oh-so-pretty when she’d come up, cheeks flushed and breath ragged and tears glistening in her eyes, looking thoroughly fucked ere he’d even begun. He loved seeing it.

It was why he’d make her _earn_ it. He heard her whimper around his cock as much as he felt it and a bolt of heat shot up his spine. X’rhun wasn’t sure when he’d closed his eyes but he reopened them now to see her staring up at him with pleading eyes through her lashes, lips wrapped so prettily around him.

X’rhun’s straining control _snapped_. His grip on her hair tightened as he gave her what she damn well wanted, shoving her down to the base as she choked and sputtered around his cock. “Look at you,” he murmured, voice rough. “So _eager_ , pet. You really _do_ love choking on my cock, don’t you?”  
  
His words sent heat through her body and she could not resist him, even as her nails dug into his thighs and her lungs burned for air.

“Are you such a _slut_ for others?” He pulled her back up and Emlyn gasped, heaving for breath and shaking her head.

“No,” she murmured, staring into his eyes, her voice ragged. “Only you. Only you.”

_“Good,”_ X’rhun breathed, claiming her lips in another searing, dominating kiss. She whined into his mouth as he all but fucked hers with his tongue, and his tail curled at his side in unspoken pleasure. An animalistic part of him preened at her words. She was _his_ , she only did this for _him_.

Emlyn could _not keep up_. She didn’t want to. Gods, every look and every touch, every kiss he gave her promised nothing but ruin and she _wanted it_. She wanted it so, _so_ bad. As he pulled away she opened her eyes just enough to see the soft look on his face, his hand cupping her cheek. “Emlyn,” he murmured. “Emlyn, do you remember what we spoke of the last time you ran from me?”  
  
Guilt and _hope_ welled up in equal measure within her breast. “You…”  
  
“I was serious,” he murmured, and her heart skipped a beat in her chest. “I would not have said anything otherwise.”

She knew. She knew that, but it still left her breathless. He wanted her. He wanted _her_.

“Emlyn?”  
  
 _“Yes,”_ she breathed, leaning forward to press a chaste kiss to his lips in order to hide the tears which welled in her eyes. “Gods, _yes_.”

X’rhun brought his other hand to hold her face as he kissed back. Her hands pressed against his chest and as he pulled back, X’rhun could not help himself a moment of weakness. He gently pressed his cheek to hers, covering her hands with his own, and closed his eyes. Perhaps what made his heart skip a beat is that though her hands trembled under his, she did not move. As she had told him, she did not run. “You’ve been such a good girl for me, Emlyn,” he murmured. He felt the way she shivered at his praise as he sat back up, releasing her hands. Hands which slid down to his hips as she stared up at him, hope in her eyes and a flush on her cheeks, and he was _weak_ for her. “Would you like a reward?”

A feverish nod and the look in his eyes softened so, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “Close your eyes, love.”  
  
She shivered and obeyed, hearing him stand and the shuffle of fabric and sound of his footsteps slip past her. Her heart beat loudly in her chest and she swallowed thickly. X’rhun’s warmth was behind her ere long and she heard him kneel down, felt his lips press a kiss to her shoulder as he smiled. Felt his breath on her neck ere he hid his face against it. Felt his lips on her jaw as cool fabric came into contact with her skin. A shiver ran down her spine as he clasped the choker around her throat. He knew she was not one for anything particularly flashy, and she could tell just by the weight and feel of it that this was no collar.

It didn’t have to be. She belonged to him, one way or another, and they both knew it.

His hand covered her eyes and her head fell back against his shoulder as she gave a trembling exhale. His chest against her back, and she could feel every scar. Felt his heat soaking into her skin and it was _dizzying_. His other hand left a burning, tingling trail in its wake as it wandered down her chest, her stomach, and between her thighs. His fingers rubbed circles against her skin, so close to where she _wanted_ them.

A quiet whine escaped her as his lips pressed to her skin, parted just enough that she could feel his fangs. Yet for all the want and _need_ in this moment, Emlyn recognized a tenderness.

_Black. White._

A familiar brush of aether against her own.

_Red._

Emlyn gave a broken gasp, lips parting in a silent cry of pleasure as aether, familiar and electric, danced under her skin. _(Red, dancing and weaving through white, through black.)_ Her body trembled as it ended. It was familiar because she wielded that power, it was familiar because she knew the aether which was responsible. She could not resist it any more than she could resist the man to whom it belonged. Even as her eyes fluttered open all she saw was darkness, broken only by the occasional sliver of light from between his fingers. Yet, for once, the darkness was welcome. For once, she had naught to fear.

X’rhun felt tension leave her body as she sagged against him. Good.

Trailing his lips over her skin, he waited for her breathing to even out. He realized that when it did, it matched his own. His heart skipped a beat in his chest.

_(Red. Red, flooding her senes, vermilion in its shade.)_ She squirmed under his touch as he did it again, a broken sound spilling from her lips that she did not care to name. He made to move his hand from her eyes but hers grabbed his wrist, covered his hand with her own, holding it there. X’rhun stilled. And then he shushed her, so quietly, and another flood of electric aether danced under her skin. For the darkness before her, she only saw _red_. She felt him, all around her, and as much as it made her want to run she could not help but give in.

“Take them off,” she whispered. She wanted him to do what she _knew_ he could, to rip away what remained in between them. “Please.”

X’rhun shushed her again, his lips pressed against her jaw, and she whimpered. His hands withdrew. He withdrew. Emlyn made to turn and look at him, but—

“Do not move.” And his voice was a command she could not help but obey. She heard the shuffling of fabric. She heard it hit the floor. Emlyn swallowed thickly as the seconds dragged on into a minute, and then another before he finally spoke again.  
  
“Stand up, Emlyn.”  
  
She did. And when he told her to strip, she removed what clothing she had left. Her shoulders hunched and she hugged herself in near-shame.

Then came his hands on her hips, his fingertips wandering her skin and mapping her scars and leaving a burning trail in their wake. Yet still, he was gentle enough that it brought tears to her eyes. And then, again, the aether that broiled under her skin, but this time it was as fiery as it was familiar.

_(A spark of white. A spark of black. Each plunged into a vast sea of vermilion red, yet neither cared to object. Neither cared to reject that warm, peaceful embrace. It danced over them like fire and like ice, burning and soothing. Like the White one was so familiar with, like the Black the other called home.)_

She came untouched, legs trembling and a quiet cry spilling from her lips. Emlyn’s knees buckled beneath her weight but X’rhun was there to catch her, brushing her hair from her face and guiding her to lay on the bed as she came down from her high. Just as she reopened her eyes (Emlyn didn’t remember closing them, but she’d found such things were common where X’rhun was concerned) his lips met hers in a kiss. There was hunger, but there was a _tenderness_ to it that she found as thrilling as she did terrifying.

“Rhun,” she breathed as soon as they parted. His eyes stared into hers and she was laid bare before him in a way that _scared_ her. But he knew, and he looked away, letting his hand wander between her thighs again and his lips press to her neck.

X’rhun swore to himself that he would not be done with her ‘till she was ruined.

—

Emlyn damn near _screamed_ as her vision went white. (White, tinged with red around the edges, sparks of aether. _Red. Red. Red. X’rhun._ )

Her body trembled as a sob escaped her lips. X’rhun wiped away the tears which fell from her eyes from the sheer overstimulation as magic, warm and familiar, settled within her body. “Please,” she gasped, “I can’t—“  
  
“I know,” he murmured, voice low. “I know.”

X’rhun had lost track of how long it had been, but he knew now that was all she had to give. He had wrung her out, sent her into oblivion yet reached out and took her hand to pull her back. He kissed away the tears and squeezed her hand in his own. Withdrew and stood on shaking legs, and when he looked back those eyes were open and her hand was reaching for him. His tail curled as he smiled. “A moment, my dear. I’ll be just a moment.”

But he could see the lingering apprehension in her eyes. He could see the need she had for him to _be there_. See the want she had to be at _his_ side. He gathered one of their waterskins, hells if he knew who it belonged to, it didn’t matter now. A cloth and a basin of fresh water. Brought it to the bedside and set them down before taking a seat. He smiled weakly at how she reached for him in a nearly childish manner. Deep in his heart he knew that the woman before him had not gotten to live out her youth as she had deserved. Had not gotten the praise or the assurance she had needed when she struggled. Had not gotten so many things she rightfully should’ve.

(X’rhun resolved quietly to give them to her now.)

Emlyn felt almost as though she were drowning in a sea of X’rhun, still. He leaned over and kissed her forehead, and she only barely registered the feeling of him cleaning her up as she calmed. As her heart, thundering in her chest, returned to a normal pace.

X’rhun helped her sit up and brushed the hair that stuck to her skin from her face, and the look he gave her was filled with so much affection her heart ached. (She did not deserve it, she knew.

He knew otherwise.)

Selfish as it was, she reached for him again as he helped her. As much as it sacred her, she wanted to feel the press of his body against hers. Wanted him to _hold_ her. To assure her that it was alright. (Because there were other things she was afraid of. So many other things.)

When he had joined her in the bed once more, X’rhun gathered her into his arms. Emlyn was boneless against him and he was thankful for it. Thankful that he had drained away the tension which had plagued her. He doubted she had any idea just how much she meant to him, and X’rhun carded his fingers through her hair as her eyes fluttered shut. As she drifted off in his arms.

(He did not deny himself a whispered confession once she slipped away into sleep, knowing she could not hear him. As much as he wanted her to know, X’rhun knew she was not ready.)

—

X’rhun woke abruptly to the sound of choked, ragged breathing. He already knew what was going on, tugging Emlyn from where she sat in his arms and holding her there, taking one of her hands in his own and pressing it against his chest, rubbing his thumb over her knuckles and letting a purr rumble through his form. (He knew in his heart that there was naught he wouldn’t do for her. Even if it damned him. Even if he lost every moment he’d ever shared with her. If it was to save her, then he’d do it, though he knew how cliche the sentiment was. It was genuine, and he liked to believe that was what counted.)

“Rhun?”

Her voice, quiet and afraid and weak cut the silence like a knife. He squeezed her hand in response, and Emlyn took a deep, shuddering breath. X’rhun. Her X’rhun, kind and caring and sweet. He deserved to know. He deserved to know of her other half, of her darkness, yet still Emlyn could not bring herself to say a word. She shook her head.

“Nevermind.”

He knew full well there was something she wanted to say, but he did not press, content to hold her close until she fell asleep.

—

Emlyn would never admit how comforting it was when X’rhun purred. When she woke his tail was wrapped around her thigh and his arm was around her waist, his hand still holding hers. Her head was pillowed on his chest and she could not bring herself to move, not for the soreness which she felt throughout her body, but for the comfort of lying there in his embrace. (For once, she realized, it was not as scary a thought. To be held.)

She knew when he woke for the purrs which rumbled through his chest, soothing the turmoil in her heart.

Emlyn hid her face against his collarbone and he squeezed her hand, and if her darkness lingered in shared wakefulness to experience the morning as well, Emlyn could not bing herself to blame her.  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I invite you to also consider joining this [book club](https://discord.gg/c8Yee9S) we have fic and cookies (and Emet-Selch)


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